It was a few months before my 15th birthday when it all started… I clearly remember wondering if there was something wrong with the mirror. I stood there staring at myself and the longer I stared, the more flaws I see – double chin, belly fat, flabby arms, thunder thighs… to me, I look like the female version of the Pillsbury doughboy. Since then, I became obsessed with my weight. I would weigh myself at least twice a day and the more the number goes down, the more I feel good about myself. On days where my weight shoots high, I am convinced that I am nothing but a complete failure.
Then there are the lies… I would do anything just to avoid eating, “I’m not hungry”, “I’m not feeling good”, “I ate on my way home”, “I’ll eat a little bit later”. Of course I knew that doing that everyday would be too suspicious so from time to time I would sit down and eat with my family and to make up for it, I would work out excessively. Meals are a torture. The sight of food makes me sick to my stomach. Swallowing it? Even worse. It’s like swallowing nails and shards of glass.
Rewinding to a year before. My parents were busy people and during that dark time, I wasn’t on speaking terms with my mom. If you have read the book “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother“, that’s what my mom was like. I have always thought that she was hard on me than on my brother and sisters. I grew up to be a perfectionist because I knew that my mom would not accept second best. She made me do everything from art, dance, music, sports while expecting me to be on top of my game with academics. Finally I have had enough, I mustered up every ounce of courage I got to let everything go and be who I want to be. That broke her heart and we drifted apart. She wouldn’t speak to me. It was like I didn’t exist in her world. I thought I would be happy, but it made me feel like I was worth nothing. I crumbled slowly.
3 years on to my struggles with self-image and self-worth, I was 18, a miracle happened – my mom reached out to me and we sat down and talked. It was hard acknowledging the fact that I am “troubled”. I kept telling her that I’m just a little burnt out and that I’ll be fine. From then on, she kept a close eye on me. She would do anything to convince me to eat. She cried… a lot.
One morning, I woke up and went to the bathroom. There was a note posted on the mirror “너무 예뻐. 사랑, 엄마” but what got to me was the note taped on my weighing scale, it says “This is not what you are worth”. I broke down and I finally acknowledged that I needed help. My mom and I went to my doctor who then recommended that I seek help from a therapist and my recovery started from there.
Recovering wasn’t easy. It was an endless battle. Up until now, there would be times when that “feeling” attacks me from behind, making me slip up once in while. Dealing with relapse is tough but I am fortunate to have loved ones who support me and are always there for me through good times and bad. They are NOT giving up on me… so why should I?
Anorexia Nervosa and other eating disorders are no joke – it is fatal. The first step to recovery is acknowledging that you are suffering from it. NEDA (National Eating Disorders Association) offers a free online screening. On their official website, you will also have access to various resources like treatment information, support systems, education kits, etc. If you are not suffering from an eating disorder but knows someone who might be – reach out to them. You might be that person who could save them.
Weight is just a number and just like in the note that my mom posted, the note that saved me… let me remind you that your weight is not what you are worth. I have always loved this quote from Wintergirls – “I am beginning to measure myself in strength, not pounds. Sometimes in smiles.”
Falbala Fairey posted a photo not too long ago which made me want to share my story. This was a tough decision but I hope that through this I would be able to help out. A flickr group was made for it but it was shut down due to the numerous negative comments/reactions it received. In an attempt to raise awareness in Second Life, I made a new flickr group, [Second Life] Eating Disorder Awareness and Facebook group. which will be actively moderated. Be sure to read the simple rules before submitting your photos. The group is made not only to raise awareness but also a support system to those suffering or know someone suffering from an eating disorder, undergoing recovery, recovered, and curious minds. Please keep it positive! ❤
hair: !lamb – The Big Doll House
skin: Essences – Cho
feet: Slink – Mesh feet
lingerie: The Sea Hole – Catalina
magazines, scale, mirror: Dutchie
poses: Exposeur – Heart Broken
17 thoughts on “Inner Demon”
Reblogged this on Done Wiv a Twist and commented:
I loved this blog, very inspirational and more people need to be aware of how serious this matter is.
thanks for the reblog ❤
Great post, thank you for sharing something so personal.
you’re very welcome and thanks as well <33
Lots of love and support. You were very brave to share this with us all.
Thank you, Lucie! ❤
It’s amazing that you chose to share something so personal to help raise awareness… I’m sure your inspiring words will help many people to feel better about themselves ❤
I hope that it does help someone out there too ❤ Thank you, Connie ❤
Well done girl, I am so very proud of you for allowing yourself help, for continuing to battle each and every day, and for sharing your story. It’s never easy to open up to people, especially when it’s something that society looks at in jest. You’re a very strong young woman, and others may gather strength from bringing your story to light.
Thanks, Tiggy! Everyday is a struggle but it’s getting better! ^_^ ❤
Thank you for sharing your story, I truly have no words to express how much this touched me. Dealing with chronic illness all my life, I have struggled with a lot of weight gain, and know how horrible I feel due to it. Yet it is true, we are not our weight, we are not the size of our waistline and we are not worthless because we do not fit some stereotypical figure. You are very brave to share this and I for one truly appreciate it. ♥
*BIG HUGS* Stay strong, Chance! It is easier said than done but don’t let your weight dictate the way you feel about yourself. You are awesome! and each day that you go through and survive is proof of that <33 Lots of love!
Very inspiring Sung, and I know it is never completely over, like alcoholism you have to take it one day at a time. It just shows how very strong you are, it would seem the Tiger Mom had some success with you after all. She gave you the love you needed to learn to love yourself. Big heart full of love to you, enjoy your holiday ❤
Yes, thinking back she was tough on me for a reason ❤ Much love, eonni!
Much love to you as well ❤
“Eating disorders are conditions defined by abnormal eating habits that may involve either insufficient or excessive food intake to the detriment of an individual’s physical and mental health.”
~quoted from web source http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eating_disorder
I am so proud of you daughter Sung, this is exactly what Charltina’s is really about. I see you soaring so high in this moment. I see your bravery, and your vulnerability. I am so proud you did exactly what the Charltina’s Blogger Workshop 101, taught by my son Mr.Hethwen Collinwood inspired with purpose. I also am so grateful Lady Fabala Fairey, one of my first Runway Models of Charltina’s; returned as a surprise Guest Speaker. She gave to us her valuable time to also share from her Blogger’s perspective. I am overjoyed at your bravery and your choosing to be part of the difference in other people’s life awareness and giving them hope in overcoming their eating disorders.
어머니의 사랑은 경계를 알 수 없다. 우리는 결함이 있지만, 우리는 우리의 아이에게 사랑은 무한하다. SHINE. Keep overcoming, and reaching out and being part of the difference for yourself and others.
Lady Charltina Christensen,
고마워요, 엄마! 어머니의 말은 매우 고무입니다. <3333